Broken Jesus

Well. Here it is. The obligatory new years post.

Actually it’s not very obligatory to me because if I’m posting something it means I really want to. Not that other bloggers out there don’t want to post for new years, I’m just saying that if I didn’t want to post I wouldn’t.

I’m that person. The “Hey, everyone’s thinking it, I’m just saying it” person.  Sometimes being that person gets me into trouble but I like to think (or hope!) that it’s the “right kind of trouble”. ;)

As I was saying I only post when I really want to. And if you’re a regular reader you know that I have not posted for most of 2014.

This is the cover of the notebook I got for Christmas from my sister, and the fortune cookie thingy is from dinner last night.

 

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I personally don’t actually believe in fortune cookies. I just like to eat them. Actually. I just like to eat. ;)

Both items (and the fact that it’s almost January!) caused me to reflect on this year. It is with a bitter sweetness that I say I have probably spent most of this year recovering from various things. And that my friends is why I  haven’t posted anything. Because I have felt the constant need to be in recovery mode. So. Not only do I skip sharing things with people I see in person but I also skip sharing online with people I don’t know. Things just happened like wave after crashing wave. A lot of it was brokenness. Broken friendships. Broken expectations. Broken trusts. Broken dreams.

But never. Ever. A broken Jesus.

I can’t really tell you that these things I’m talking about can be fixed. Or if they can be I don’t really know that they will be. I’m okay with that. Not in a sinister, cold I’m-cutting-the-world-off-from-me-pity-party-for-one kind of way. Just an okay. Guess I’ll be starting over again kind of way. It’s okay to start over.

I cannot be anything but thankful for a God who is bigger than me. His dreams and His plans are bigger and better than anything I could ever plan for me. No matter what that looks like. No matter what that feels like. I cannot be anything but thankful that He allows the tearing down. Because better is the pain and the tearing apart and rebuilding from His sweet gentle loving hands than of my own ever fumbling processes.

 

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When the tearing and rearranging is all over, He will continue to direct my steps and I can dream big again. I can be the dreamer and risk taker He’s created me to be.

 

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So. What building do you have going on? Maybe you’re tearing down. I wanna know so I can pray for you. :) Here’s one from me: I start college next week. (Shout out to Cal Baptist!) For the first time in the history of my ever. I am going to college. Don’t know if this matters to anyone but I don’t mind telling you that I’m 27 so this feels like a big deal to me haha! =p I didn’t go to school when I finished high school and I definitely never thought I’d get to go the way I get to now. I am terrified and excited at the same time. =-O Part of the reason I get to go is due to some of the “tearing away” that took place earlier this year. That story is for another day but I will say this:  Jesus truly does make all things beautiful.  ;) and He honors those who honor Him. :)

Happy new year. 🎉

May you be indescribably overwhelmed by the goodness of Jesus and His immeasurable love for you.

Life is going to give you a lot of broken things. But we never have a broken Jesus. He remains the same faithful Redeemer. 💜

 

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Merry Messy Christmas

Alright. I am almost never open or vocal about this. And to some of you reading this it may come as a total surprise. So. Sorry if this is a shocker to you. And ps sorry if there’s typos. Not sure if my proofreader is available tonight and I kinda wanna post this before I change my mind cuz I’m not gonna lie it’s a tough topic.

I was out and about this afternoon with myself (I may be married but I still like some alone time ;) ) and I was looking at Christmas stuff and taking note on what to get who and thinking about a million things in my head and things on my plate and taking inventory of the year basically – and I came across this ornament.

 

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And I just stared at it for a moment.

I love Noah’s ark baby stuff. But I love this one monkey I keep seeing around too so I dunno. 😁 Anyways…

I stared at it and wondered. Not gonna lie “Christmas” felt more messy than lovely tied up in a bow. I was angry. And sad. And then comforted.

I miscarried in August of last year. Around the time I would have been due I found I was pregnant but then I miscarried again. And so far I haven’t been pregnant since.

The other night my husband and I were talking about God’s great grace and goodness. And how He’s so loving. And kind. And so big. That quite frankly we could never figure Him out. And that He doesn’t owe us an explanation.

Sometimes He allows us to see why things happen. And sometimes He doesn’t. We want to know, we want to figure out why things happen or don’t happen because it allows us to think we have some kind of control. We like to be in control. To have answers. To be safe in the security that concrete answers provide.

Truth is we don’t have any control. And that’s ok. He doesn’t owe us anything. He is enough. And that may sound harsh to some. But He has to be enough. No one in this world ever will be. No amount of children, money, things, my own husband could ever be everything. To ask for that is unfair. But to be able to rest in the One who is bigger than me. The One who made me. The One who heals me.

Don’t get me wrong it’s hard sometimes. I struggle with questions. Questions I couldn’t possibly get into with this post. I have really good days. And then there are days where grief comes in waves that make it hard to breathe.

But Jesus is good. No matter what it feels like. No matter what it looks like.

We may have had 2 of those lil ornaments on our tree this year. I can purpose in my heart to dwell in the sadness of what could have been. Or I can purpose in my heart to enjoy what is. This is what is:

My husband and I have lost. And that’s ok. But right now, my husband is waiting for me downstairs to join him on the couch and find something interesting to watch on tv. Right now I am surrounded by incredible people who have loved us through this loss and I am so grateful for them. There’s a text message on my phone from one of my “adopted kids” that I need to answer.

Maybe there are parts of Christmas that feel messy to you. And maybe it’s for completely different reasons. But Christmas started messy. A baby. A king born in a stable of all places. Came to bring hope. Hope that I’ll see my babies in heaven. Hope I’ll see other loved ones. Hope that the messiness doesn’t stay messy. He brings joy and healing. And even if He doesn’t always bring answers. He’s still good. I am so grateful my circumstances don’t change His goodness.

God’s love is based on His character. Not us.

Embrace the messy and the opportunity to be grateful and to bless someone else. 💜💜💜💜🎁🎁

Merry messy Christmas.

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What To Do

It’s nearly 1am. And I’m still awake. Gotta be up in a few hours. But there are things pressing on my heart that not only do they insist they cannot wait, I do not have an answer. So, what then?

So I wait.

So they wait.

For what exactly? I do not know.

But when Jesus presents it I will. So. If you’re feeling “stuck” somewhere like me. I’ll wait with you. He is faithful. He’s proved it before and I know He’ll prove it again. So I will go to sleep knowing Jesus. And wake up knowing Jesus. And that is good enough for me. 💜💜

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What He makes me do.

annikachavez:

Love this 💜

Originally posted on Grace for the road:

I stood there, the sea of grass rippling against my ankles, chest heaving like I was trying to suck in the entire chilled sky all at once.

I’d sprinted. I’m not a sprinter. But sometimes that’s the only way to get to a place where you can yell.

“Why is this so hard sometimes?”

“Why don’t I feel You?”

The questions flew out over the pasture without anything to bounce off of except the rabbit bouncing into the bushes, the wind waiting to carry my words away.

I gasped for air.

The wind tousled my ponytail.

He makes me lie down in green pastures. He restores my soul.

Of course.

Of course that’s the truth that would drift through my brain as I stood there in a horse pasture, restless legs stamping down the tall blades in the spot where I’d stopped.

“God, don’t you know all I’d like to…

View original 350 more words

All He Says I Am

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I’ve been going through a little bit of something this year. Sometimes it feels like a lot a bit of something. And A LOT of times I’m hesitant to share on here. Hence the lack of posting. That and I’m just crazy and haven’t had time. Or made time. But I’m working on that. ;) Anywho. All of this to say, I heard this song for the first time the other day and it ministered to me so much. And I wanted to share it with you. :)

You can find it on YouTube here: All He Says I Am – Kari Jobe and the lyrics if you just wanna read are below:

 

“He whispers in my ear tells me that I’m fearless
He shares a melody tell me to repeat it
And makes me whole it reminds my soul

I am all He says I am
I am all He says I am
I am all He says I am
And He says I am His own

I was blinded by scales on my eyes
Then He came like a light and burned up all the lies
Oh and He set me free
He reminded me

I am all He says I am
I am all He says I am
I am all He says I am
And He says I am His own

Chains are broken
And scales are on the floor
Truth is spoken
I’m no orphan anymore

Oh I am loved and I am new again
And I am free I’m no slave to sin
And I’m a saint
I am righteousness
Oh and I’m alive yes I’m alive
I’m alive yeah I’m alive
I’m alive I’m alive
oh I’m alive I’m alive I’m alive

I am all He says I am
I am all He says I am
 
I am all He says I am
And He says I am His own”

 

Just Wanted To Say

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For the mommies who never got a chance to hold their babies. My heart and prayers are with you. May mothers day – and every day – be a day that Jesus comforts you and ministers to you in a way that only He can. And may you rest in confidence knowing that Jesus is always good and always faithful no matter what it looks like right this second. One day we’ll all be together. 💜 #love #therealhappyeverafter #onedayinheaven #thehoneymoonlife #truelove #hope #happymothersday

Still Good

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Well.

I see there have been a few updates to wordpress. It looks super different from the last time I logged in. I haven’t been around bloggy land lately so I guess I missed it. =P Lots has been going on since my last post. The days are shorter for me and the time goes faster and that one hour thing hasn’t helped. ;) Anyways… I believe there’s been a little rough spot in living “the honeymoon life”. Things have been interesting for various reasons but rather than tell you all of my woes I will tell you this.

“…When you can’t see face to face in times of trouble – until you can – put your backs together, draw your swords and watch eachother’s back. Resolve not to be used against eachother. You will have victory together…”

This (as well as other words of wisdom) was written on a card (made to look like a recipe card) given to me at my bridal shower. It’s been nearly 2 years since then but I’ve held onto them because the beautiful women who shared such wisdom are important to me and these cute little cards serve as great reminders.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I aren’t like destitute or starving or anything crazy like that but lately I’ve noticed certain circumstances have been slightly less than desireable. I’m happy to say it doesn’t actually have anything to do with us like, we’re not in constant disagreements with each other, but things are going on that affect us. Sometimes it’s little things. There is one thing that I’ve been personally hurt about – I even cried about it last week (*GASP!* I admitted that on the internet!). Between tears and hugs my husband tells me this:

“I know it’s hard. And I know it hurts. But God is still good.”

God’s goodness is not determined by my circumstances.

To be perfectly honest there was a part of me that even though I know my husband is right, I just wanted to sit and cry for a bit. And that’s ok. It’s totally fine, normal, even, to cry about it. Tell your husband I said so. :-D And I’m sure the rest of your gal pals will agree. ;)

But once you cry (and sometimes it’s more than just once!) heck even as we’re crying we need to take it to Jesus. He doesn’t always tell us why or how and He doesn’t have to, but even when He doesn’t He is always faithful and He can always be trusted.

I love that I can count on my husband to “have my back”. Sometimes that means hugs and sometimes it means praying with and for me. Just like my friend wrote on her “Recipe For A Great Marriage” card, there will be times in marriage when you’ll have your backs against eachother but it’s for leaning and being a support for each other – never to be used against each other. Have your swords drawn. Defend eachother. Be in the Word. You will be able to have victory together.

So cheers to having eachother’s back and standing strong with Jesus.

Now, excuse me whilst i go make me some cake in a cup. ;) Please note I didn’t invent it, but I figure I can’t tell you about it and not point you to where I found it. ;)

Happy almost weekend! *insert party streamers*

Ps – I’m LOVING the new smiley faces on here. Adorable. :-D ;-) <3

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