Alright. I am almost never open or vocal about this. And to some of you reading this it may come as a total surprise. So. Sorry if this is a shocker to you. And ps sorry if there’s typos. Not sure if my proofreader is available tonight and I kinda wanna post this before I change my mind cuz I’m not gonna lie it’s a tough topic.
I was out and about this afternoon with myself (I may be married but I still like some alone time 😉 ) and I was looking at Christmas stuff and taking note on what to get who and thinking about a million things in my head and things on my plate and taking inventory of the year basically – and I came across this ornament.
And I just stared at it for a moment.
I love Noah’s ark baby stuff. But I love this one monkey I keep seeing around too so I dunno. 😁 Anyways…
I stared at it and wondered. Not gonna lie “Christmas” felt more messy than lovely tied up in a bow. I was angry. And sad. And then comforted.
I miscarried in August of last year. Around the time I would have been due I found I was pregnant but then I miscarried again. And so far I haven’t been pregnant since.
The other night my husband and I were talking about God’s great grace and goodness. And how He’s so loving. And kind. And so big. That quite frankly we could never figure Him out. And that He doesn’t owe us an explanation.
Sometimes He allows us to see why things happen. And sometimes He doesn’t. We want to know, we want to figure out why things happen or don’t happen because it allows us to think we have some kind of control. We like to be in control. To have answers. To be safe in the security that concrete answers provide.
Truth is we don’t have any control. And that’s ok. He doesn’t owe us anything. He is enough. And that may sound harsh to some. But He has to be enough. No one in this world ever will be. No amount of children, money, things, my own husband could ever be everything. To ask for that is unfair. But to be able to rest in the One who is bigger than me. The One who made me. The One who heals me.
Don’t get me wrong it’s hard sometimes. I struggle with questions. Questions I couldn’t possibly get into with this post. I have really good days. And then there are days where grief comes in waves that make it hard to breathe.
But Jesus is good. No matter what it feels like. No matter what it looks like.
We may have had 2 of those lil ornaments on our tree this year. I can purpose in my heart to dwell in the sadness of what could have been. Or I can purpose in my heart to enjoy what is. This is what is:
My husband and I have lost. And that’s ok. But right now, my husband is waiting for me downstairs to join him on the couch and find something interesting to watch on tv. Right now I am surrounded by incredible people who have loved us through this loss and I am so grateful for them. There’s a text message on my phone from one of my “adopted kids” that I need to answer.
Maybe there are parts of Christmas that feel messy to you. And maybe it’s for completely different reasons. But Christmas started messy. A baby. A king born in a stable of all places. Came to bring hope. Hope that I’ll see my babies in heaven. Hope I’ll see other loved ones. Hope that the messiness doesn’t stay messy. He brings joy and healing. And even if He doesn’t always bring answers. He’s still good. I am so grateful my circumstances don’t change His goodness.
God’s love is based on His character. Not us.
Embrace the messy and the opportunity to be grateful and to bless someone else. 💜💜💜💜🎁🎁
Merry messy Christmas.